Brothers

Here the brothers showing some love. They are so fun together!
Heres a video of Ty and Rylan. They just figured out this trick today. The weird sound is my embarrassing dorky laugh!! Can you name the movie in the background?

roasting marshmallows

Josh often gets these grand ideas for things with the kids. One time it was a peanut party where they crushed open peanuts and ate them for awhile, this time it was a marshmallow party. Yes usually his ideas include something messy. But as always the kids loved it.



And for those of you wondering, which it doesnt seem like you are, but Im feeling better. I hvae been break down free since thursday when it happened, but Im still sad and still miss her like crazy. I still think I hear her and see her out of the corner of my eye, and I think it will be awhile longer before I dont feel guilty for what happened, but we are moving on, and as much as we miss her, we will keep her memory close.

dakota FAIR WARNING VERY DEPRESSING!

She loved to snuggle peoples necks when she was a baby. This is her and Aunty Em.

This is her be sneaky trick. She looked like she was Stalking prey, but then we found out she was just itching her belly because she had mange. She almost died as a puppy because her mom couldnt give milk and they didnt catch it fast enough. She was one of the few from the liter that survived. Her owner said that she might not be as healthy as other dogs because of it.






She always thought she was one of us, and so did we.

See? Always around, watching over the kids.







She loved to find snuggle places, she would always just make herself at home. This is her with my brother. At night she would come up to my bed and put her head under my hand so I would pet her. Even recently.







We always thought she looked like she was ready to take your order.
She would let the babies feed her.


Just as a fair warning this post may sound like rambling and may not make any sense, but I need to write down what I can while I can

For those of you who dont know we had to put our dog down last night. She had growths on her neck that were multiplying like wild fire, and was losing a ton of weight. Even though she was still eating, she was dropping pounds everyday. Her head was all skin and bones and her spin and ribs were showing. If we gave her motrin she would act normal, stil ran to the door and barked when people came, still cleaned up the floor after dinner, and still was the dog I remembered but was looking so pathetic. With out motrin she was miserable, walked with a limp wouldnt bark, and if touched her neck she would growl and try to bite you. It was obviously very painful. Josh and I knew the day was coming when we would ahve to let her go. I prayed every night that Heavenly Father would just take her so I wouldnt have to face the decision of putting her down myself. It got to the point where I just couldnt tell if I was helping her by drugging her and masking the pain or if I was making it worse. Everyone kept telling me it was the right thing to do so we made the appointment. I told the kids a couple days before. I wanted it to seem casual and not make a big scene about it, but when they asked me how long shed be asleep for and I had to tell the forever, and that she was going to go to Heaven the look on Ashlyns face almost killed me. We all cried and I tried to be strong but I couldnt. She told me thats all she could think about. The two days leading up to it were agonizing. I wanted to be with her every second but it hurt to even look at her. Then yesterday after the kids got home from school they said goodbye and I had the horrible task of taking her to the vet. I put her leash on her and she wouldnt even get up. I dont know if she didnt want to leave or was just in too much pain. That was the worst two hours of my life. They had me wait to see the vet just to make sure I was doing the right thing. In my head you shouldnt put a dog down unless they cant walk on their own or something, but the vet looked at her throat and said if I didnt do it then I would be back soon, in the next couple days, because she couldnt have the quality of life she deserved. The whole ride there I thought if someone like the vet told me this is the right thing then Ill know, and then it will feel better, but the truth is I dont feel better. I thought if I was there with her she would know how much I loved her and that I would feel some closer but the truth is I cant get it out of my mind, and I just keep replaying it all over and over again.
She was my best friend for 8 years. Literally my constant companion. I didnt even notice until I knew this was going to happen, but if I got up she got up, if I walk she walked, if I stopped she stopped, if I sat down there she was plopped down next to me with her face in my lap. And even the last day I didnt give her any motrin because if she was acting fine there was no way I could go through with it,I got up to go somewhere else and I heard the clippity clop of her little feet in the kitchen behind me. Even in all that pain she would have followed me anywhere. Everyone says it was the right thing to do but it doesnt feel like the right thing to do. How do I know she would have wanted to go. She wasnt acting like she wanted to go. Im sure shes happy but maybe she would have been happy here too. I can not believe I had to do that to her. That was the most horrible thing Ive ever had to do and I hope it stays the most horrible thing I ever have to do.
I know there are lots of worst things going on in the world. They say people are greatful for their trials, and I am greatful for his trial because as horrible as it is, and it is horrible, I still have my wonderful husband, and he loves his jobs, I still have four beautiful kids, I still have great extended family, and great friends. But this is still hard.
I dont know how long it will take for me to stop expecting to see her when I walk in the door, or open the door for her at night for her to come in, or hear a sound and think its her. I keep expecting to see her, or feel her next to me. Sometimes I see a pile of blankets and expect it to be her. Then I have to remind myself its not and never will be again. Thats the worst. I never realized how much she was always there. She was a silent prescence in my life, in all that I did, at home or gone, I at least always knew she was there. That will be hard. I dont WANT her to be gone.
The first day we got her I picked her up and the second I did she licked my face. Josh always says at that moment he knew she would be ours. She hid in my arms with her face tucked under the whole way home, 1 hr and a half, only looking up every once in a while, then hiding again. Even from the start she loved to snuggle. She was never a wild dog, although she liked to play. She was easy to train, and sweet. But she was never rowdy. If given the choice she would have rather snuggled any day. We brought her to a friends house and put her on the floor and she asked us what her name was and we said we didnt know but we had a few in mind. So she called out the first name and said here, nothing then the next, still nothing, then said Dakota here, and she perked up looked at us and came right over. Thats how she got her name. I always knew when you get a dog someday they will have to go, but I never thought that day would really come. I cant believe its over, I cant believe this is how it ended, and I cant believe how ridiculously painful it is. As long as I dont think about it Im OK. But when I do it is a literally drop to my knees cant breath stomach crushing cant move kind of pain.
Im going to miss her ears, they were so soft, Im going to miss her paws with one little white spot on the inside, Im going to miss her eyes, that had so much expression, and Im going to miss her love. No matter where we were if we started cuddling Dakota knew and would come over and join in. She always knew where the love was at and would find it and join in. Im going to miss watching Ty snuggle her and her just let the kids love on her, and watch Ty feed her from his chair on the floor, I'm going to miss having my kids grow up with a pet, and if we have another kid, I'm going to miss the baby and Dakota discovering each other. She was so motherly, never jealous, but would sit by the kids and watch over them, especially with Ashlyn. I cant believe still that this is now a reality for me. I know Ill get over this some day I just don't want to have to. I know trials are for a reason, I hope that I learn a lesson that will make this worth it because I don't see that yet. I want to see it, I want to make it worth it, but I'm not there yet. I am just so heartbroken.
Last night literally right after I went to a girls night called bunco. I made it through with no breakdowns, surprisingly, and Im glad I got to take my mind off it for a minute, but it was hard. Josh had a memorial for Dakota with the kids. He wanted to wait till I could be there, but I told him to go ahead with out me. Josh is strong enough to hold it together, Im not. They dont need to see me breaking down. So they read scriptures and talked about Heavenly Fathers plan, favorite Dakota memories, and picked a picture to keep of her. It was really sweet.
Anyways, I know that's a lot of really sad information, probably too much information, and I know some of you will think that's why you never want a dog, and maybe this will keep me from having another dog too, but mostly I think, those were 8 really great years, and I would have missed out on all of it, if it weren't for her. Right now its like childbirth, way too painful to ever think about doing again, but someday Ill hopefully forget about how much pain this was, and remember every amazing second and be able to be strong enough to do it again. But still for today it is way too much to handle.