So this will probably be the most honest, intimate and embarassing post you will ever read of mine but I have to write it. I have been struggling with the way things were going and it was obvious in my personality and in my blog posts. I have a HORRIBLE habit that when people ask me how I am I honeslty answer. You will never hear me say Im doing fine if Im not. So for the past few weeks you all have probably gotten more than an earful of my honest feelings on how life is going for me. And for that I am sorry to you but even more sorry to my family especially Ty.
Today during one of my breakdown moments I started reading a book my Dad gave me and in it it talks about how verbal expressions sent out into the universe truly affect the way people think act and feel. And what I realized is I started allowing the things people were saying to affect my thoughts. Things like 4 will be so hard, and your crazy or your brave or just the way they react when you say you have four kids. It was stressing me out that everyday I had to take care of all these kids by myself, and when I missed out on a little sleep it would affect the way I felt the whole next day, and listening to Ty cry over upset stomachs, or whatever, that it affected me as well, and then I would verbally tell people how hard life is and how bad of a baby Ty was, so I sent those horrible vibes out in the universe and couldnt figure out why poor Ty wasnt acting any better. How could he when he was constantly hearing me tell people how hard an difficult he was. I felt like such a bad mom because I couldnt figure out how to help him, and every cry reconfirmed that no matter what I did it wasnt enough. How silly is that? Now what I realize was that it wasnt him crying that made me a bad mom is was the way I was dealing with it, thinking about it and worse of all talking about it. I totally believe that even if they cant tell you, that they know what your saying. So I appologize, in all reality he really is such a good baby. And considering all his little body has gone through, with such a stressful way of coming into this earth, then all his allergies, and reflux and me switching from nursing to bottle feeding, he has handled it so well and has really been so good. Hes a normal baby, and its my fault for allowing my own and other peoples thoughts to affect my expectations on how this should be going. Sometimes I think my theory on life is if I complain it makes other people think that their life is good, and shows them Im human and relatable, but when it comes to this is I was so wrong, I have the life I wanted. I wanted lots of kids, and I love being busy with them. I cant imagine how heartbroken I will be when these few short years are over. This is the life I chose and the life I want. As hard as it is I LOVE IT and wouldnt change a moment.
Anyways, I had to put that out into the universe, and dont be surprised if this post suddenly disappears.
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7 comments:
Well said. You're a wonderful mom and thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and honest feelings. Sounds like you are growing into your new role of a mother of four and as always I'm so impressed with you and grateful to have such a wonderful influence and friend in my life. You can do anything you put your mind too and I'm sure this new perspective will help.
I hope the post doesn't disappear. We all need to read honest moments from our other mom friends. It helps focus us too! I think you are doing great and have a beautiful family. I'll miss chatting with you tonight at Bunco!
i love the honest, open you and i love that you don't sugar-coat life. we all have rough patches and hard times and it's nice to hear that from others and confirm that we are not alone. i sure hope any comment i made about how big your family is didn't get you down because that was never my intention. i love big families and i love you! you are a wonderful mom and friend!
I love reading the thoughts of a mother. It helps us all, because we all feel similar thoughts. What is wonderful is that you are sensitive enough to recognize and change something you may not like. That is so difficult and shows how strong you are. I think I know what you are saying about being real. It does make you more "relatable" and that's why I love chatting with you. Don't feel bad about that! It can be a downer if that's all you talked about, but you are also upbeat and fun on the other side. It's hard talking with moms that pretend to be flawless, because no mom really is. And I end up just comparing myself to that "pretend perfect mom". I hope that makes sense? Thanks for the post and keep the thoughts coming!
if that is the worst of your worries, then you are living an angelic life!!!
still, it is fun to learn new insights, huh?
honestly, i love you so much!
I was just "popping by" and read your post. LOVED IT. Sounds like a page from my life. I've had 8 months of similar trials with my 4h baby Jackson, and I love your words of wisdom. Children are such a blessing, but sometimes it's hard to keep that in prospective. Thanks for your post and making me realize I'm not alone.
Your newest bundle of joy is a doll. I hadn't seen pictures of him yet. Congrats!
I think it's great that you can be so honest! and it's great that you can get those kind of insights about your life and then change what needs to be changed. I think you are doing great!
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